DYING inside

I’m part of a sort of mentorship program, and we meet weekly to discuss where we’re at or to attend presentations by professional artists or past participants. Exciting, right?

Well, I had Zoom workshop today and let me tell you… Listen. It did NOT go as planned…

Sooooo first faux-pas: I thought it started at 2:30pm but it started at 1pm. It was a 1:09pm epiphany so I panicked and rushed to get in..late.

Second faux-pas: In order to follow as much as I can since I already lost 9 precious minutes (at this point, I could probably say 10 mins), I’m moving around in my apartment looking for my notebook that was actually just next to where the computer was.

Third faux-pas: As I was already up, I took advantage of the possibility to go pee. I wish there was a more poetic way to say it. To court my bladder and take her out on a date? I don’t know why my bladder is a she? ANYWAYS! Not the point! Where was I? Right, soooo, of course I had to double check that I was on mute, but I unfortunately did, 3 seconds into my bladder date. I WAS NOT ON MUTE, THEY ALL MUSTV’E HEARD MY GOD DAMN PEE.

I PANICKED. I WAS MORTIFIED. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!

In despair, I texted a friend who first laughed at my misery and then told me to just pretend like nothing happened and to be as present as possible. I could not think for myself at this point, so I did as told. I was putting on an act but was DYING INSIDE.

What a day! And it’s barely 5pm.

Failing is the actual journey

So. I had a bunch of stuff on my to-do list today, 27 to be exact. Crazy how it’s only when I count and then write it on here that I realize how…perhaps that wasn’t realistic…oops! I did 14 of them. One of them was cooking a vegan “Pastelón”, which is a lasagna made of fried plantains instead of pasta, and in this case lentils instead of ground beef. I’m not even vegan. I just had done this like 3 years ago and it was soooo geeeewwwd, and I’ve been wanting to recreate in since. Yeah…I’m late to my own party. Anyways. So I made it, and it was dry as fuck. I hate when I get so excited about making a meal, already salivating, and then fuck up and have to eat it anyway. Like each bite is endless; chewing longer, taking sips of water between chews of that same bite, ahhh pure torture. Hmm, I can admit that I’m very dramatic. At least I know and embrace it!! And the thing is..the meal is so filling that just a 2cm by 6 cm piece was enough. I have a loaf size pan. It’s gonna take forever to eat. Ughhhhhh.

Moral of the story….failing is part of the journey and that’s how I’ll learn. I’m really happy/proud to have started cooking again after 1 1/2 years. It feels good to find joy again in the little things. It validates that I’m doing better. Hopefully that lasts.

I love my canopy bed

When I was a kid, I dreamed about having a canopy bed and imagined feeling like a princess. My fave Disney movies were Cinderella and Anastasia, but I also had a weird affection for Mars Attacks!? Irrelevant.

Fast forward 20 years later, and I am now laying my canopy bed I purchased (emphasis to flex the independence I was desperately craving as a teen with strict Haitian parents). I put string lights on top, it’s so cute. I’m not looking to be no princess tho. Fun-but not so fun-fact, I have an analog VHS tv in front of my bed, where I actually watched Mars Attacks! in french, just 2 weeks ago. I was dying of laughter at the absurdity, non-sense, and all the actors I recognized. Turns out I still lurveee it.

Pls tell me you love my random ass post titles? Just talking shit. I love it.

Songs on shuffle = revelatory shrooms trip.

Yes, I took shrooms early this morning, before breakfast, and I just let my Spotify liked songs playlist play, ON SHUFFLE. It indeed was the soundtrack of my trip. I have to admit tho…this post’s title was, in fact clickbait. I don’t know why I did that. Impulse? Trying new things? Oh well, at least I’m honest.

Anyways, back to my trip. It could’ve been a mess of me running around all over the place trynna chase away my body stress, but I ended being super productive —from cleaning the bathroom to cutting and freezing fresh veggies to put in my lil chest freezer. #flexing I wasn’t even trying to talk myself out of it and just dove head first into the next task. Turns out Nike was right. Just do it! is a powerful statement. Don’t hesitate, just try to move your body to do the things you’re supposed to do and the rest will follow. Action! I’m preaching to myself by the way. I don’t know why talking in the, hmm 2nd person?, does to me. Whatever. It was the realization of my shrooms trip and the music helped to focus on the memories it brought to me instead of my body scrubbin’ the foot of the toilet (I don’t know what to call it but you know what I mean gurl).

Maybe it was a revelatory trip after all? You tell me. Personally, I’ll go with clickbait for my trolling street cred. (I wish it rhymed)

I got 90 problems, but a bitch ain't one

Today was a day of errands and research. I conquered the challenge of leaving my house to go get a bunch of grocery items —as if yesterday wasn’t enough. And when I say research, I mean 4 Chrome windows opened, with 26+14+42+8=90 tabs running. I just counted, and I am now mortified.

I feel like internet surfing is kinda having to cook and then do dishes overrrr and overrrr and overrrr again. You know? Like every time you eat, you leave a trace that you gotta clean up after, whether it’s a meal or a snack. If you don’t, it piles up, and then you gotta clean up the pile. And don’t get me started on my internet habits. The tabs are a perfect representation of myself, my thoughts (rabbit holes), and my state of being. Current status: real estate that I can’t afford, eye frames that I’m eyeing (!) without knowing what I’m truly looking for, a few recipes here and there, ways to preserve various fruits and veggies that I recently bought, school stuff, and finally, therapists. Obviously, I haven’t cleaned up after my thoughts yet.

This makes me realize why I’ve had chest pains for 2 days. I had come to the conclusion that it was anxiety, but now the anxiety has a face and it’s got 90 problems, and a bitch is one. Damn. I should’ve had 99 tabs opened. Get it?